I don’t want all of you to think I’m
such a sad sack that obsesses on my past miscarriages every time I see one of
my friends is having a baby or adding to their children. I think when the
miscarriages were the recent past, I was raw and it was very hard. But that is
now firmly in my rear-view mirror.
Now, it crops up at the strangest times
like when I am most elated for a friend, I get a little sick to my stomach
knowing the choices we made after those times of struggling to have another child.
It felt like personal failure and several things do---a very hard reoccurring
theme to shake in my life.
We could have adopted and nearly did,
but it was again, just overwhelming with all of what we were doing. Many of you
know my life and I can’t imagine in some ways having another child with us on
this journey and in other ways, on the good days, I feel guilty for not having
another child here with him, perhaps helping him or us along.
So, I think that
is where this poem popped out last night as I couldn’t sleep---so I wrote it
down. I thin k it is also because I had a disappointment this week so, I’m
feeling fragile at other people’s joy,
so yeah… here it is….
Birth Notice
Deeply jealous
No trellis
To scaffold my feeling
Of being left
In dust
Past steeped in mistrust
My body betrayed me
Inside formed
Little hands and feet
Even some toes
That is far as it goes
Or went…
Never again
And yet friend after friend
Had full formed babes
Added to brood after brood
I chew
On the celebration of others
Not a good food
As there is now nothing I can do
I look away
To a new day
When sorrow turns to song
When nothing is wrong
Green drains away
The monster dead
Quiet in my head
For the babes that will never be
As they have crossed over the deep dark
sea
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