Theatre Schmeater
A bare stage with a ghost light.
(In the gloom a WHISTLER walks out. Whistles a
sprightly tune, turns off the ghost light, and walks off with it. On the heels
of this a spotlight flicks on and there is a MIME standing there. The MIME does
mime things as another spotlight clicks on to a RULE READER. Both MIME and
READER do their thing at the same time.)
RULE READER
Rule number one, never yell fire in a theater. Number two,
disruptive behavior of any kind is not allowed. Like, no talking to the actors
during the performance, in other words, no heckling. No unwrapping noisy
snacks, actually that would be no snacks or food or drink of any kind. In this
theatre especially. Number four, no wearing green. Number five, no saying the
real name of the Scottish play.
(ENTER RULE BREAKER)
RULE BREAKER
Fire! Everybody out! Fire!
(No one moves)
RULE READER
Rule number one: Never yell fire in a theater.
RULE BREAKER
F-I-R-E! FFFFFFFFIIIIIRRRREEEE!
(MIME mimes putting out the fire. RULE READER is
handed a bucket of water that he dumps over RULE BREAKER’S head. RULE BREAKER
EXITS)
RULE READER
Rule number two: no disruptive behavior of any kind. No
talking to the performers. Absolutely, no heckling.
(RULE BREAKER RE-ENTERS IN THE HOUSE dressed in green
and he has the WHISTLER with him)
RULE BREAKER
Can you believe this person? Who cares? These things are not
rules! They are silly superstitions! (to the WHISTLER) Go ahead, do your thing!
(The WHISTLER begins to whistle a complex tune)
Hey, you’re pretty good!
RULE READER
No! No! Stop that! You’re breaking number six! No whistling in the theater!
WHISTLER
I whistle in here all the time! Good acoustics!
RULE BREAKER
And we like it, don’t we?
(gets the audience to applaud)
What are you going to do about it?
RULE READER
Plenty!
(RULE READER EXITS with the MIME)
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