Monday, September 29, 2014

Rainy days bring poetry....

Sonic Tectonic
Cold, slanted rain pelts my window
Like a beaded curtain swinging shut on summer
It is dark.
Blocking all rays reaching towards my memory
Of a lemon filled sky in a Caribbean sea
With white Greek bleached flour sack cloud islands to be visited
The autumn trees make my merry moment in the sun a ghetto
A former shadow of itself and unsubstantial, dark
Your rivers of words about facts and fun
Have become a downpour of abandoned feelings
Over flooding the land of reason
Vacation spots, if there weren’t volcanos popping up everywhere
I hope these are harmless
Dormant and dead with no active lava
Though if one blows,
I will cheer on the rain
To cool off and harden
So we can explore this moonscape
Navigating what is here
Still alive
To thrive after some more time goes by
And the sun returns
To dry reason

Where we stand

Friday, August 01, 2014

A Sense of Order....

Remember about a month ago when I came back from a meeting and the Boy had voluntarily put away the dishes out of the dishwasher? He only did it one time much to my slightest disappointment hoping that it was one of those summer obsessions starting, but no. Well, I didn't connect that to the 3 plates missing for a month. I thought we'd broken a bunch or something.
I found them today where he had carefully put them. They were hiding in plain sight in with the dishes, but just hanging out with non-plates---artfully stacked with fancy serving bowls and tucked in sideways. I just don't open that side of the cabinet often. It didn't occur to me as he had put the other plates where they belong.
Ignore the spilled ground coffee there (not dirt). He turned the white plate with the blue rim upside down over the bowl so the flowered plate would have a match. And tucked the one small all white plate in by the black serving platter.
I noticed these were all the "odd" ones out that are single strange plates that have somehow come to live with us and are "one of a kind". So, he logically put them with the "one of a kind" serving bowls that I don't have any that match each other.
I thought about it and how it is a step in the right direction of having a sense of order that makes sense to him. I think this was the clearest message he's given us about how he would like things ordered. We don't have order in this house and he  has told me of late he doesn't like that. I do understand. I try to work on it as I'm sure my sense of "order" doesn't make sense to anyone but me.
I guess that is part of what autism is too. An order and sensibility that is not only one's own, but makes sense to the individual. It puts all things in order for them.

My stack of blue plates without those plates. I always nest them by size, but with those odd plates stuck into the stack usually.

I'm sure there was a reason each plate had it's own home sideways stuck in, upside down on top of the bowls, and sitting alone in one part of the cabinet. I'm sure it made him very happy to see them there and not with the stack of blue and black plates on the other side of the cabinet. I remember how proud he was when I got home that day he put everything away---to arrange his own world---for him----for me---for all of us.
If he does unload the dishwasher again anytime soon, I'll know to look. And I'll keep searching for those missing items that really aren't lost at all.

Friday, July 25, 2014

It rains and I turn to poetry again...

This was written for our sudden cold stormy snap in July. I keep saying to myself, “It is still summer, I know it!” 7/25/2014

Dropping twenty degrees
Puts me on my knees
The summer wind, cool as the cucumbers
Growing in the garden now slumber
Leaves falling in July
Filling the sky
With dust of another time
Feeling I have to climb
Up and out
I want to shout
It should be warm
On the horizon a storm
Blows in mush
A winter-like hush

Surrounding us

Friday, May 16, 2014

The Lifecycle of a Boy

It seems like it takes forever for spring to get here, but when it does the wonders never cease. I feel the same way about our little boy. He was a baby a long time and then in an instant it was gone. In many ways I long for that time again, but I remember it as turbulent as pleasant. Spring can be like that.

Today I was often reminded that even though our guy is approaching his last year in single digit numbers in age, I will look back on this too wistfully at some point wanting that season to last longer. Instead, he is fascinated by the reproduction cycle at the moment: humans, birds, bugs, and plants. It reminds me that those fascinations will pull on him at some point drawing him into a whole new budding world.

Last night in the pool’s locker room my husband heard him lecture on the human life cycle how we all begin as an egg meets sperm deal. He asks such startling questions like, “Mama, why did you want your egg fertilized by Papa in 2004?” I have become accustomed to most of these questions asked in a nonchalant manner, but it does startle strangers to hear our conversations out in public. His voice is very loud and carries far---I am used to it, but others turn in mild curiosity at the boy with the loud questions about the human life cycle specifically his birth cycle. Last night my husband came out of the locker room laughing as he said our boy went all the way in his description of the life cycle as to include being dead, buried, and turning into fertilizer for the plants. I'm sure the men in the locker room were thinking what kind of kid is this?

This fascination has happened every spring with him for a couple of years. It begins with the butterflies arriving in his classroom and the cycle of the butterfly. Then he gets out his ladybug book to check on that life cycle too comparing the similarities. Then the loud spring birds remind him, along with Easter, about eggs. This brings us to eggs outside the body, his favorite to track are chicken eggs. Coming back to those inside the body that come out---bugs. And then babies, usually beginning with pigs and sheep or kittens, which eventually ends with comparing them to humans.

This year instead of rushing through all of those things a week at a time, they are all mentioned at some point throughout any given day. The main lecture on humans and then picking one side focus. This week since the butterflies in his classroom have hatched, it is all about the butterflies and ladybugs. Today, he had a day off from school, so I picked up some ladybugs with him at the garden store to be released at sunset to our garden. I took pictures as he pontificated on the life cycle of the lady bug.

“Mama there are 1500 lady bugs in that bag there. You water the plant with aphids so they have a drink of water after they are released.”

Here hold this while I cut the bag,” I say to him. He grins and holds it making his excited groaning noises. I take the bag from him and cut carefully as the little buggers are just waking from their slumber. We took them out of the refrigerator a few minutes earlier and they are sluggish still. I release the bugs. They are so beautiful as they struggle out of their sterile white mesh home and into the world. I decide to grab my camera from the house to take pictures.

“That is a good idea Mama, to take pictures of the ladybug release!” He jumps around some more and follows me into the house for a moment.

“Mama, do you think any of them will be on top of one another mating?” this thought sends him into running excited circles.

“Well, I don’t know. I would think they might be hungry just after waking up, but you never know.” We head back out to the waiting bag.

“Mama, look…l….l…look at all the ladybugs. They will eat the aphids on your roses and get fat. They will get on top of each other and then about a week later they will find a leaf and deposit eggs. Then those eggs will hatch and we will have thousands of ladybugs in our yard. Do you see any of them mating?”

I look carefully through the lens contemplating this question seriously. “Oh, look those two aren’t just crawling through the group. They have crawled off and yep, seem to be on top of one another.”

His eyes are shining now, “There will be baby ladybugs soon!”

“Maybe,” I say while I keep snapping pictures.

We watch for a while and he launches in from ladybugs to his own birth asking particulars. The light is fading quickly. I tell him we’d better depart while we can still see to step over the pile of bugs and not squish any. That thought horrifies him, but I reassure him that I promise not to harm any ladybugs in the making of these pictures.

We spent the rest of the evening picking out our favorites of the pictures (posted here). Surmising what we might find in the morning----if indeed the bag would be empty. And how many babies there might be.

He reminded me that they could fly away. "They have wings Mama, and might fly away after the aphids are gone or it gets too cold." I felt sad thinking about if our little garden couldn't provide enough for these tiny travelers. I felt sad thinking about my little guy and if he'd fly away some day or not---where would those wings take him? Just to the fence and back or beyond? Would what we have keep him content or would the call of spring make him take wing to another adventure? 

Ladybird, ladybird,
Fly away home,
Your house is on fire,
And your children all gone;
All except one
And that’s little Ann,
And she has crept under
The warming pan.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The last one for NaPoWriMo 2014!

Clearance Rack
My box of flowers is planted in the sun
I like the ones best that I rescue
The clearance rack a six pack for $.75
It makes me feel like I’ve won
I plant quite a mixture
This year I’ve separated out one
Amongst the throng to be the odd one out
I spy that dramatic purple pansy
Sitting there amongst the small forest of fuchsias
Or the one deep wine geranium
That sits as the parent presiding
Over all the tiny violas yellow, blue, and orange
I think, "why am I singling out this one?"
Because I feel I have become singular
Or my circumstances or my child’s
That I can no longer stand with the group
I am a flower, but such a different hue
My son is too
And that is the glue
That binds our hearts
As we grow
Planted to stand out
Even though the others are glorious too
We are not like them
We are not like each other
But we are all complimentary together
Making the whole garden
More unique and even more beautiful

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A Tiny Twofer Tonight....

Walks like a Duck
Little costumed duck
Speak to me
You look like a super hero
The “Green Lantern” of ducks
There you sit
Reminiscent of floating in a sea of innocence
You are wearing a mask
Black pinprick eyes
Fixed on nothing and no where
You don’t look like you could rescue anyone
Rescue me please?
From talking to myself in the midnight hour
About a boy that used to read to me

Admired and a Maze-D
Judgments are part of us
A daily part of our lives
No one knowing the fuss and muss
That has crawled inside and died
We hide it all
Not knowing who to call
Who to present
The root of it
Began as a seed
A clamorous need
You say there are walls
Keeping others out

I construct mazes to keep it all in

Monday, April 28, 2014

It's late tonight....

I had a really awesome beginning of a poem about dandelions in my head as I was gardening this afternoon. I hope that comes back to me, but for now....

Hearing the Call
Even in the silence
Of late night sitting
Before bed, but after
The hubbub of life
Filters to the bottom
Nothing switched on
But my thoughts
My space heater empty hisses
The faint ringing in my ears
Of nothing, but that high pitch
That I have to concentrate to notice
The soft clack of the computer keys
As I type to take away the aloneness
The not so distant busy main road
With police sirens or a fire truck
The consistent thrum of motors
An ambulance racing to the hospital down a few blocks
A wrong number ringing of the telephone
That shatters this solitude
Every few months
In this I hear you
You sit lit up in my mind
My heart a constant throb
Rising to the top
I am buzzing
Working the sweet memories
Vowing to call
Not now it is so late,
But when first light comes
And the world stretches
I hope the noise
Doesn’t drown out

My desire to hear you too