I love Jesus and am not mocking prayer. There is a deeper meaning to this little play. It is meant to be fun, but it does have a serious undertone. Remember, this is a quick first draft written today, but I think this could be a fun 10-minute play. It does involve voting and Jesus in a humorous form, not created to offend. Read at your own peril.
The working title is: Help Me, Jesus!
(TALEJA, African-American woman, is standing in
front of a polling location. There is a ballot box behind her, and she is
holding her mail-in ballot. She is waiting for KURT, her Caucasian husband, who looks
disheveled. There is an ELECTION OFFICIAL guarding the box.)
TALEJA
You are cutting it close!
KURT
We have plenty of time, don’t we? When do the polls close?
TALEJA
(annoyed)
A little less than half an hour and it’s we have to put our
ballots in the box by then.
KURT
I love that I don’t have to stand in line. Are you sure this
works?
TALEJA
Yes! I’ve been voting through the mail for four years now. It
is safe and easy.
KURT
Too easy. But, how do you know your vote is counted? It looks
like a regular mailbox. Who collects it? Where does it really go?
TALEJA
Really? We’ve been over this.
KURT
It’s just weird, I’m used to standing
in line, showing up and making those decisions on the spot.
TALEJA
Uh-huh. And again, I ask what happens
to those votes? Professor, tell me, how do you know those votes, your vote is
counted and not just thrown away?
KURT
Point taken. A box is a box, right? It
is taken by officials, and they are counting or not counting our votes. Hummm…
(Searching his pockets)
You got a pen?
TALEJA
No, no, no, you didn’t fill it out
already?
KURT
Relax. I’m almost done just wanted to
know who you voted for…
TALEJA
No! We talked about this. We are individuals!
Just because we’re married now doesn’t mean you get to ask me for voting
advice.
KURT
For county commissioner, there are so
many people running and they all look the same. I just wanted to know who…
TALEJA
Nope. You read the voter’s guide and chose
just like I did.
KURT
It is faster to ask who you voted…
TALEJA
By yourself! Hurry, up, we want to take
our first voting selfie putting them in the box!
KURT
Okay, ok. Aha!
(KURT produces a pen and signals
TALEJA to turn around and bend over so he can write on his ballot on her back. She eventually does so. ELECTION OFFICIAL clears his throat.
TALEJA grabs KURT and pulls him a bit away from the box as the ELECTION OFFICIAL
signals that it isn’t far enough. Eventually, they are in the right distance from
the box.)
KURT
What is that about?
TALEJA
You can’t fill your ballot out while
standing near the box. You have to be further away.
KURT
Ok, why does it matter? It is just a
box.
TALEJA
I can’t be influencing you on who to vote
for.
KURT
Oh, but you aren’t. You made that real
clear. Or was it because you thought that person could hear us. You can whisper
to me who you are voting for as county commissioner.
(TALEJA
walks away)
Oh, come on! How do you… for better for
worse! I can’t choose. I don’t know these people.
(KURT starts walking back towards her, and the ELECTION OFFICIAL
clears his throat again.)
Ok, ok, Geeze. (praying) Oh, sorry,
Lord. Hey, Lord, could you help me out? I am thankful for this convenient way
to vote but I’m really stressed. This is important, you know, and I don’t know
what to do. My “helpmate” over there doesn’t seem to care.
TALEJA
Ha, Lord Jesus, you know me too, and I care!
But, in your wisdom, do hurry and help him out so he can get his vote in on
time, so it will count. Thanks, Amen! Now vote! You don’t need an act of God to
make a decision!
(A wind blows through that makes it
hard for KURT to hold onto his ballot. ENTER WHITE JESUS and BLACK JESUS who
greet the ELECTION OFFICIAL and each other.)
KURT
Whoa! I nearly lost my ballot. That
doesn’t happen when you vote in person.
TALEJA
Weren’t you just saying how easy this
is? Praising Jesus for this opportunity to vote?
(BOTH
JESUSES come forward)
BOTH
JESUSES
You’re welcome!
KURT
What? Whoa!
TALEJA
Huh? Ut-uh!
KURT
Lord-d-d-ss?
WHITE
JESUS
Yes?
BLACK
JESUS
Oh, he’s fun. Get up, man!
TALEJA
What is going on? Halloween is over, and
that is just not funny.
WHITE
JESUS
Told ya.
BLACK
JESUS
Taleja, it’s me.
TALEJA
How do you know my name? I don’t know you.
KURT
Honey, you do.
TALEJA
Kurt, I think I’d remember dudes that
look like…
BLACK
JESUS
Like?
TALEJA
Like… why are you dressed like… why are
you talking to us?
KURT
Why not?
WHITE
JESUS
Exactly, Kurt gets it.
BLACK
JESUS
My man!
(They
both give him fist bumps)
KURT
I called and they are here to help me
make my decision.
TALEJA
Uh-huh. You know two guys who dress up
as Jesus who go around helping voters make decisions? Was this one of those
crazy late-night ads 1-888-J-V-O-T-E? How much did you pay for this service?
(KURT
and JESUSES laugh)
KURT
I didn’t pay; I prayed. You even added
your two cents to my prayer.
TALEJA
That wasn’t a serious prayer.
BOTH
JESUSES
It was.
TALEJA
Stop that! You two are beginning to
freak me out!
KURT
No, no, no, this is so righteous!
WHITE
JESUS
I don’t know if it’s that.
KURT
Why come in the flesh now? I’ve asked
so many other times for much more and this is such a small thing.
WHITE
JESUS
Oh, ye of little faith.
BLACK JESUS
To us, this is not small nor is anything
small where our creation struggles.
TALEJA
Sure. He’s not going to change the
world with his vote for county commissioner.
WHITE
JESUS
How do you know that?
TALEJA
I don’t.
BOTH
JESUSES
We do.
KURT
Whoa, I can’t do this.
TALEJA
Yes, you can. Kurt, you’re nearly out
of time! Come on!
KURT
Ok, okay. So, Jesus, who should I vote
for?
WHITE
JESUS
Should I tell him or do you want to?
BLACK
JESUS
He might take it better from you.
WHITE
JESUS
“It is the glory of God to conceal
things, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter.”
KURT
Huh?
TALEJA
Proverbs 25:2
BLACK
JESUS
She knows.
KURT
Knows what?
BLACK
JESUS
“As you do not know the path of the
wind or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the
work of God, the Maker of all things.”
TALEJA
Clever, but quoting Ecclesiastes is
just confusing.
KURT
I need to know who to vote for!
TALEJA
They are telling you that they aren’t
going to tell you… exactly.
KURT
They aren’t answering my prayer!
TALEJA
That’s what I said!
WHITE
JESUS
We are here to answer your prayer, sort
of.
BLACK
JESUS
Give you a boost by our presence with
you.
ELECTION
OFFICIAL
Hey, you two, if you’re going to vote,
you’ve got only five minutes till we close down.
TALEJA
God with us and all, but you are slowing
him down! This is not helping him decide!
KURT
She’s right. God, Lord Jesuses, thanks, but you are not giving me the help I asked for!
WHITE
JESUS
We can’t… well, we could… but won’t…No,
it isn’t what we do when we help.
BLACK
JESUS
Help comes in all forms and flavors;
besides, you know who to vote for.
KURT
No! I don’t!
WHITE
JESUS
You do. Think about that voting pamphlet,
you read it, didn’t you? I saw you studying it.
KURT
I did.
BLACK
JESUS
Think about who you can remember from
the county commissioner page.
KURT
I remember all the stupid stuff. All
the annoying things they said and that’s what makes it confusing. I…
WHITE JESUS
(singing) You've got to
ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive
E-lim-i-nate the negative
BLACK
JESUS
(singing) Latch on to the
affirmative
Don't mess with Mr. In-Between
KURT
I’ve got to (singing) ac-cent-tchu-ate
the positive
TALEJA
That makes sense! (singing) E-lim-i-nate
the negative
BOTH
JESUSES
(singing) Latch on to the
affirmative
Don't mess with Mr. In-Between
(JESUSES and TYLEJA keep humming or
singing the song and evolve into a dance together while KURT marks his ballot,
seals, and signs it. He joins in the dance as they all go to the ballot box.
Only JESUSES EXIT.)
TYLEJA
Wait! We have to get a picture! Do you
mind?
ELECTION
OFFICIAL
That’s fine. I have been doing these
all day.
KURT
Thanks, sorry I took so long.
ELECTION
OFFICIAL
As long as you make up your mind in
time. Proverbs 14:15: "The simple believe anything, but the prudent
give thought to their steps”.
TYLEJA
Them too?
KURT
Yeah, he knows. They must hang out here
a lot!
